Against: Aside from the sting/potential to sting: they linger out of season, they have the power to ruin a picnic, they seem to think all food is theirs -- "Ooh I'll just have a sip of your coke is that alright mate? I'll just have a little taste of that ice cream" no fuck off! in this respect they are the pikey teenagers of the natural realm. Finally, it is almost impossible to sleep when you know there is a wasp in your room.
Conclusion: they're angry little twats, but at least they don't ruin christmas.
Nature Rating: 2.1/10
for: the foxtrot, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fantastic mr. fox, basil brush, robin hood (disney). + whenever I see a fox on a deserted street in London I feel like it is somehow deeply symbolic and that I am really in tune with nature again. Cool reputation for wile and cunning, and there must have been a human fox-pervert at some point because linguistically foxes have also become synonymous with sexiness (foxy lady, 'she's a fox', 'ooh you vixen' etc.).
Cons: Rabbit murderers, knockers-over of bins, embroiled in politics.
Conclusion: A fine and traditional piece of British nature. The only reason I have never protested against fox-hunting is that I'm also quite fond of upper class twits.
Nature Rating: 7.3
Oh humble, down-trodden grass,
Walked all over everyday,
By people,
Who barely notice you.
"I know!" they say,
"let's take a short-cut across the grass!"
But maybe one day man will fade
And grass uproot,
And walk along,
from place to place.
"I know!" one blade will say,
"Let's cut across man's face"
For:
ubiquitous plant of the people, nature's carpet/bed/sun lounger, prerequisite for many sports, one of the best ambassadors of the colour green.
Against:
Get's wet at night, even when it's not raining. concealer of cigarette butts and dogshit, prone to drying and dying in summer.
Conclusion: The sweet green softener of cities.
Nature Rating: 9/10
proboscis ricoculous
For: In 1998, a zookeeper in Oklahoma City was mauled and had an arm severed by a tapir bite, after she attempted to feed the attacking tapir's young. Ricoculous Probosc. Tapirs often exhibit the "flehmen response", a posture in which they raise their snouts and show their teeth, in order to detect scents. Relative obscurity makes them a cool niche piece of nature. + they're endangered = cooooool. The famous pirate Blackbeard allegedly wore burning tapirs in his beard.
Against: A bit inaccessible -- tapirs should be put in schools in poor areas so more people can learn how to look after them.
Nature rating: 9.1/10
Pigeons
Pros: fun for children to chase; the only nature apart from rats in many parts of London; carrier pigeons have incredible homing skills; intrinsic to Mary Poppins' charm.
Cons: Pigeons are dirty, aggressive, statue-destroying scavengers with disgusting club feet, dull in colour, clumsy and indecisive. To make matters worse, sometimes when one flaps in your face, it is impossible not to momentarily cower and shriek like a girl.
They're rats with wings. No -- twats with wings. Rats at least have the decency to stay out of my way and respect my picnics.
Nature Rating: 1.3/10
For: Giraffes are born with their horns already in place, they can drink 12 gallons in one sitting, the pattern on each giraffe's coat is as unique as a human fingerprint, tallest land-living creature, they can get by on 10 minutes sleep a day. When they are courting, they apparently cough loudly: "ahem... A-HEM. Oh yes, sorry, sorry to startle you my darling, I was just watching you - AHEM! - eat those tall leaves. And, ahem, I imagined each leaf was my, A-HEM! -- my cock."
Against: They appear vulnerable with their big heavy bodies and skinny legs, their hearts need to be huge just to get enough blood to their brain so they don't fall over. Slightly gimpy image -- the Toys R Us giraffe mascot is called 'Geoffrey'.
I prefer an Okapi.
Nature rating: 5.4/10
CACTI
For: very manly (association with wild west), many different and interestingly shaped varieties, grown as fences and under windows as home security in Kenya, useful for slapstick comedy in cartoons. Low maintenance -- and good to own in areas of the world which suffer drought. Also, possible to draw as a human with arms.
Against: If you look at them really closely, your eyes bleed. Burst balloons.
Cacti are hard to hug, but otherwise magnificent, resilient, and iconic.
Nature Rating: 8.1/10
Against: tricky, sleep all day, bring in dead mice/birds (which CAN somehow stay alive long enough to shit over your Sega Megadrive), freedom of movement throughout house increases allergy problems, dig in claws, purring and kneading alarmingly sexual, cat flaps cause heat loss, constant arsehole exposure.
Conclusion: The domestic twat has many strong features to recommend it as a piece of nature. Like every living thing, its biggest weaknesses are directly related to its biggest strengths. For example, its independent nature makes it an interesting animal to watch, but also a fickle one, who will fuck off for the night once it's been fed.
Final nature rating: 6.8/10
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Recent Comments
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Dan Northcote-Smith said:
Get in you Tapir. They came second in the Animal Park 'Which animal has the best nose' competition too.Does that... read more
on Tapirs.
Rinky tink,They dont go into details about horse injuries unfortunately.Yep, thought it was time I set up my own agency,... read more
on Wasps